Blazeon - SNES

There are a ton of games out there that I haven't played, old and new. So when I was randomly choosing a game from my SNES library, you think eventually I would pick a good game. Well no such luck here. All I got here was shitrock of wasted time. I didn't want to write up a little story about a game that I played awhile back and had to think of what I remembered about it. I wanted something that I could fly through, get a little enjoyment out of and move on and have the play experience fresh in my head. It didn't happen here.

I never even heard of Blazeon. And how do you pronounce that?, is "Blaze - ON" or is it "Blaz - EON". I think its only good to "Crap- ON". I was looking forward to playing something fun. I turned it on and my first thought was ,"ohhh, a ship shooter, I like those, power ups, crazy bosses, neat levels, insane and overwhelming enemies. Yeah, this game has none of that. So to help show what I mean, I took screen shots of my progress through the game, so show you the exciting game play.

So here I start up the game with no idea of what type of game this is. BLAZEON


I hit the start button, and theres no Story, just bang, right into the game, whatever, I can deal with that.







Theres a few enemys, but I am really surprised that we go long periods with nothing going on, no enemies, no obstacles, just me in my little red ship flying around, up and down, side to side. WOW!! I eventually reach the first boss, which reminds of Plinko from the Price is Right. Its not hard to kil, defeat, pummel. Ignore the little man where my ship should be, I will get to that later.


After defeating the boss, a weird screen comes up telling me to drop outta hyper space in real time. You think a story plot or something explaining what I am , what am I doing. Whats my motivation? But No, I never did find out what I am doing in regards to gameplay story.

So I plug ahead with more empty nothingness, meeting a enemy along the way, but because I don't see much besides background for the most of the time, I don't kill it right away, because I like the company. But then it leaves on its own if I don't kill it and I am left alone again.


Then repeat this process for another level, the bosses are all pretty easy, they each have a sweet spot. Thats where you park your ass in one spot and shoot away and they can't hit you. Its cheap, but if the developers didn't want us to cheat, they should have made a better game.


Yahh, another boss dead, repeat the thingy majig with the hyper shit.


Here the big boss is a eyeball, you can see that I am in the sweet spot. Nothing was hitting me in that spot. but I did have to move up to shoot the eyeball when it came open. but thats minor. Again, nothing new with story, repeat what I said before. Really disappointing.

It was at this point that I found out, that what I thought was missiles that I was shooting from my little ship was a device that could freeze the robot enemies and it would turn them blue and you could touch them and you turned into them with their weapons, so for one fleeting moment, hope came back into the game. I was happy with this. Until I died 10 secs later and lost the suit. but the point was, different suits gave you different powers. It was ok, but they were so big that maneuvering , was next to impossible. So I bang into the wall and loss it and be back to my little red ship again.

So forget the suit and continue on to the end, I hope.

So here we see, what I think is the end boss, pretty easy, you just park yourself infront of its head and shoot. It just looks at you. So YAAAYYY, the boss blows up , it goes through the motions like it did with the last bosses, so I think, "oh!!, I guess it wasn't the last boss". So I start again, but when I start this time in the level, I notice that my ship is yellow. And its not untill I'm halfway through the level that I notice that, hey, this is the first level again. Is it any harder, NOO. It looks the same, nothing is changed except the color of my ship.

So my first thought is, oh, its like the game "Ghost and Goblins" where you get to the end, but you find out that you have to do it all over again to get beat the game . Then thinking , what a cheap way for the developers to get people to replay this stupid game. To make it so its not the real ending. You have to play again. So off I go to do all this stupid shit again. Boring side scrolling action. Finally I get to the boss, beat him for the second time. Wait for the end, something to start, story, new music a different load screen. Nope, the first thing I notice is that my ship is now gold. FUCK YOU STUPID GAME..!!!

It was this point that I turned the game off, I was NOT going to play through all that crap again, yeah, theres the thought that maybe this time is the ending, but then theres the thought, that it will start over again and my ship will be hot pink. Nope, I'm done, has far has I'm concerned I beat the game twice.

Stupid Game, waste of time, wasn't fun, irritating. BLAH BLAH SLKJHFHIRAH LAF.....

1/10,
It gets 1 point for bringing me out of a coma when I found out that you could take over the robot suits.....but then slip silently back into a coma.

Jackal - NES

A quick post. Finding it hard to post games, GTA 4 has been taking up all my time. Hard to find the time to play that 15-20 hr game when a behemoth like GTA 4 comes along. So If I talk about a game that I played awhile back, most of the time I can't remember all the details about it. Unless there was a neat little story that happened while I was playing or it really stood out for good or bad reasons. So I will reach back into my brain and pull out a old game that I remember for whatever reason.

Jackal, and its not based off the Bruce Willis movie where he makes out with a guy and shoots the crap outta Jack Black, but playing a game where you had to avoid Bruce Willis kisses while gunning down Jack Black does seem interesting. This game is nothing like that. I remember this game for being the first game that I ever finished with a friend. Particular my cousin Janet. I don't know how old we were when this came out. But you both could play at the same time. Wait, I'm gettin ahead of myself.



Jackal is a topdown view of a guy (jackal) who drives around in a jeep tossing grenades and shooting the bad guys. Its pretty standard for the type of game it was, there were tons of games like this, but with different scenarios, Smash tv had two guys running around blasting their way through messed up arenas, 1942 you were a plane trying to reach the end without dieing for the 25th time. So it wasn't setting any new standards here. But it was Fun!


Each stage had a different boss that of course shot way too many bullets that you couldn't avoid no matter what. And I remember it being quite challenging. Then again I was a kid, so what the hell did I know. Anywho, you could have a second player join in and he/she could drive around in another jeep and help you out. I don't know what this second jeep guy was called. I know that it was a red jeep and Jackal was a green jeep. I would've like to think that if one was called Jackal that the second guy had a equal kick ass name like Vulture, or Viper, or Venom or some other cool mid 80's name that started with "V". Perhaps he had a name, I don't remember, but if it was that important , wouldn't the game be called Jackal and "Friend"




Its also great for the fact that, unlike other games , if you ran into the enemy it wouldn't hurt you, but it would hurt them. So you could send the baddies flying over the hood of the jeep or screaming underneath the wheels. AWESOME!!. It was great fun, especially with 2 people.

7/10

MTV's Celebrity Death Match - PS2

Was this worth $5.00. I wouldn't say, "DAMN STRAIGHT", or even,"Sure is". It gets a"I suppose"
I got this lovely gem in the bargain bin at The Last Game Store for 5 bucks. I think what may have influenced me was that I had recently seen the animated Celebrity Death Match on the internet . It was a fight between Paris Hilton and her stupid skinny friend, and Vice versa. It was pretty fun to see them tear each other apart. Alas, the game is no where near has gory has the TV show, it has its moments ...BUT. I think all the gore would add a whole .200% to the gameplay.

I refuse to go on and list all the things that one would normally talk about when reviewing a game. But this isn't a review really. What this game has is staying power, what do I mean by that. I mean, this game is fun for 15 min , maybe 20 then you want to slowly put it down , walk backwards and tell know one that you even heard of this game.




The premise is pretty simple and any halfwited retard could pick this up and be a full fledge celebrity death match master in 5 min. What keeps you interested for those 15-20 min is seeing all the people you can play has and seeing all their insane moves. All the characters are late 90's based characters. Marilyn Mason, Jerry Springer, Carmen Electra, Tommy Lee, Miss Cleo, Carrot Top and the whole group of N-sync, plus a bunch of others. Knowing who they are, doesn't make you feel more satisfied, just think of any innate character from the 90's and there you have celebrity death match.


They all have moves, that involve props or play on the type of character that they are. Carmen Electra has an Electric move, Mr T drops the A-Team van on a opponent and so on and so fourth. I guess now, seeing has shes Dead, it be kinda fun to revisit the game and play has Anna Nicole Smith where you can smack people around with her boobs. Thats taste full ..right??!







Anywho, the most fun I had with this game was when I was playing with Seth and he was playing Ron Jeremy's character and he like his supermove, where he would turn into a one-eyed purple monster and chase you around the ring, squirting something from his head. If it hit you, you were DOOMED. Seth thought his move was funny, I thought it was funny for other reasons. Regardless, it was 15-20 min of fun that I wouldn't trade for anything. Not much else to say about this game. Its pretty lame...LAAAMMMEE!!



.02/10
possible one of the worst videos of gameplay I've ever seen. Anyway, its a great example of how Crappy this game is.

Monster Hunter - PS2

k, I figure I talk about something that I was really surprised about and gave me hrs of entertainment. Of course its the chasing a string on stick, don't knock it, its oodles of fun. When that gets tiresome which is unlikely, you can give Monster Hunter a try. I Heard about this game for some time and was intrigued about the idea that you kill monsters and then use their body parts, teeth, scales, claws, horns ,etc to make your weapons and armor.

That idea alone was enough for me. I thought that was a great premise. There is no real linear story line. You start in a village where you spend the entire game and walk around and talk with different towns folk. And by talking to them they tell you that this monster is attacking this place and this monster is attacking these crops, etc. There are a set number of quest from different townsfolk, complete each one and it opens up another more difficult set of challenges. Once you accept the challenge you leave the village to explore a area that is divided into sections. Such has the cliffs, river, jungle, cave, swamp and so on. You can't just leave the village and explore, you have to accept a mission. But once you done a easier mission and you want to go back and look around the area for items, you can repeat the mission.

I think that was my only grip with the game. With games being so open today, it felt very boxed in. But once you actually get further into the game, I am glad that they made them has small has they did. Chasing a 25 foot dragon around a set area is alot easier in smaller areas then when it takes off into the larger fields.



But back to the good. So yeah, I summed it up when I said you make your weapons and armor out of the parts of the things you kill. But there is sooooo much more to this game. Which I can see alot of people not liking. For example, you go on a hunting trip and you can make all your own provisions. For food, you kill the smaller animals, carve them up and cook them, till their rare, medium, well done or burnt. But burnt makes you sick and takes away life. You make healing and booster potions from searching in the foliage, where you find mushrooms, herb plants, insects, moss, fungus, rare metals. All of which can be used to make stuff that is really helpful in the game.

You can fish, capture bugs, search for bones, monster eggs, even look in monster poop. You can then takes theses items and combine them by trial and error to make a NEW items or sell them to make money. You need money for the blacksmith to make your weapons and armor. And money is a really hard thing to come by in this game. I think I made most of my money by fishing. IF theres one thing I learned the hard way in this game. You can't go into a hunting trip unprepared. You can only carry so many items ,so you do have to pre-plan and take what you think will be the most helpful items on the trip. Take the wrong items and your screwed. This of course is trial and error, but this time I didn't mind doing the hunting missions again and again. Each time there was something different that I could find. A rare item and such.


This game doesn't have a level up system. It has a "Make your weapons and armor" better system. For example, to a sword, one might need, teeth from the viper beast, Large bone from any monster, poison sac from the weird little bird creature and iron ore found in the caves. Once you have all these items you take them to the blacksmith and he makes the weapon specific to those items. There are tons of combinations to make all types of weapons. I honestly didn't see half of them. Which is the next point. There are different fighting styles in the game. Sticking with one fighting style only makes you a better fighter later on in the game. Unlike the guy who keeps changing his weapons every time he goes out on a hunt.

You could choose a small sword and shield, double swords, Lance, Bow guns, Large sword, and Club. I played through the entire game using the large sword. Its one if the easiest to get used too. Each weapon has its own style for fighting. The club would need thick and strong armor for close combat since the swing time is so slow and the chance of getting hit goes up. Where as the Bow gunner has light armor, making it easier to stand back from afar and prep the gun and aim and shoot then run away.

Each area has its own I guess a boss, or large monster that you have to kill. They are mostly Dragon type monsters. They do a great job of making you shit your pants when one of these things charge towards you and you don't know what to do. But like all animals, they have a behavior, and knowing what affects a animals behavior is key to killing or trapping it. Yes you can trap monsters, but its friggin hard the first few times. But like I said, its getting to know the behavior that makes this game easier. Unfortunately it takes time to learn what affects the monsters and what is useless.

This game has a online play, but I never did hook my PS2 up to online, so I never go to experience it. They release a second one a while ago, buts its just for the PSP. I really hope they do one for the PS3, I would love to see their take and play online. Where one guy sets up a trap, another acts has bait to lure the monster in, while the other 2 sit back and wait to make the killing strike when the monster spring the trap.

Now I really liked this game. But I definitely see this type of game has a niche game and I probable think that alot of people would be bored and not get the game. I chuck it up to , its just one of those games that I like for my reasons. Theres no real story, theres no leveling up, theres alot of exploring and learning from the environment, Its not a RPG. This is not a game that you can pick up and start playing and know what you are doing. It has a steep learning curve. But I loved every minute of it. I just found out that monster hunter 3 for the Wii,is coming out, but it looks piss poor, it needs to have a face lift. Each version so far have all looked PS2 dated. I can't wait for the Ps3 version, if any version will be released for it.

The link below should give you a good idea of what is involved in the game

9/10

http://www.monsterhunter.co.uk/en/index.htm

Jim Henson's Muppet Adventure "Chaos at the Carnival" - NES

WOW!!!... I just came across this game and thought, "I like Muppets......I also like games.....I bet the two together will be great. But its more like nuts and gum together at last. But I was curious to see how they incorporated the Muppets into the game, so already it has a point for that. Making me want to see what they did with the Muppets. (Thats about as much excitement I got from this title)

You start out with a News flash, even if they did the "MUPPET NEWS FLASH" with some shoddy animation would have been nice, but sadly no. Instead we find out that Ms Piggy is PIGNAPPED. And the suspect is Dr Grump. Who the hell is Dr. Grump, why not have a character from the show. There are plenty of evil type characters to choose from to have has a boss/enemy, any of the monsters would do. But nope, we get Dr Grump. I wonder if hes related to Forrest Gump?

Anywho, you are given 4 missions to do. A paddle down the stream with Kermit. A Bumper car track with Animal. A spaceship asteroid side scroller with Gonzo and a Maze and Hunt with Fozzy. Each one sucks monkey balls. I figure I breeze through this game and end it like I did total recall in 7 min. But nope, the gonze stage is stupid hard. The other 3 levels could be done by a blind person, but stupid gonzo level takes all your 10 lives and then some. How does it do this.?!CONTROLS!!!!

The controls in this game suck. And not just for the Gonzo level, but all the levels. The characters seem to go where they want to go. Maybe they will turn, maybe they won't, I guess it all depends on what Fozzy/Kermit is feeling at the time I press the left button. LEFT...LEFT........yeah, thats it, go RIGHT!!!!...It was obvious I was pressing the right button. Not only does the characters not respond to the controls, but each level has the character sorta sliding around the screen. The game has a feel like they are all on ice.

Another thing is when you get hit and take damage. Like most games when you get hit, you flash for a couple seconds and you are invincible to another attack. A great thing added to most games so the computer can't take cheap shots. It gives you that last chance to get out of a situation. Well, when you take damage here, you blink as if you are invincible, but NOPE...you still take damage. And the the BOUNCE effect occurs, where you will just bounce off a enemy and the screen side until all your life is gone. In the Gonzo level alone, I would have to say that I lost about 4 lives in the matter of 15 sec. Mainly because the computer randomly drops you in the level and doesn't care where it puts you, even on top of enemy's.

The level designs are horrible, so boring and blan. There is so much with the Muppet Universe that they could have taken from and when playing this, I feel all they took to make this game was the look of the characters and its name. It doesn't feel like a Muppet game. The final stage has Kermit in some kind of Musketeers pose, but I don't know what he has in his hand. When I try to hit things with it, the enemy go through it and hit me. What am I doing wrong.? perhaps nothing. Kermit doesn't hit anybody. The feel of this game can be equated to animating at your desk while 3 people shake, kick, and do backflips off your tablet.

So Here are is comparison of what the levels currently look like and what I've added to them to make them a awesome Ass Blast Fest!!!

1) First level is Kermit going down stream in his raft. He hits rocks and logs and is sucked into whirle pools.


If I am going to bang into things and can't control my raft how I like to control it, then I think being chased by a shark will add the element of panic to a otherwise annoying and boring level. Better get moving fast or that shark will get ya.









































2) Second we have animal driving in a bumper car and ramming barrels and flags and avoiding oils slicks, cherry bombs and bumpers.


I figure we make the level interesting by adding drums and cymbals and now animal has to hit the them using his left and right arms that would correspond to the A and B button. That could be the achievement part of the game. play a perfect tune to the end. Then for the destructive part of animal, you could give him saw blades a the front of his car and he could mow down Gonzo's chickens with a Poof of feathers when he hits. Then if he misses with his saw blades he could finish them off with a big ball and chain attached to his neck that he would tow behind him and smash anything he may have missed.


3) The stupidly hard gonzo game, where he floats around and shoot little pebbles at rocks and weird looking aliens.


Although this wouldn't make the game easier, but would make for more entertainment. Gonzo could shoot out his army of chickens and they would attach to the enemy and peck the thing until it explode, killing the chicken as well. Not knowing that they are all going on Kamikaze missions.


4) Poor Fossy here wanders around the maze waiting for bow ties to appear so he can get it and then move on to the next maze. While he can collect hearts and bones to toss at the bads guys, these things just stop them for a couple secs. Its the most boring level outta the entire game.

Now I figure this will keep ya entertained while you do the mindless maze hunt. While you wait for the bow ties to appear. You could lay waste to everything around you with your Rambo gun. blowing up the stupid looking ice cream walls and blowing the shit outta the mouse things that chase you around. NOW.. I don't mind waiting for the ties to appear.


And thats what I think will make this game tolerable...not playable...but just tolerable. The game play is so simple, you can easily see that no thought or innovation was put into this game. Its not even bad enough to be good.
1/10

Total Recall - NES

I figure I start a new title for game experiences. Games based off of movies. Maybe a TV one too, but I can't think of many games based off of TV shows. But we shall see. The First game based off a movie that I will be lookin at is Total Recall for the NES. I've never played this game when I was a kid,I only just played it for the first time last week and I must admit that I was surprised by it. Surprises arn't always good, but they can be entertaining!! Much like this game.


You start has Arnie, and hes all chest pumped in a green jumpsuit and punches like he has stick up his ass, jumps like some little girl skipping down the road and squats like hes getting ready to take it up the whoopsie daisy by some purple clad midget. Already I am enjoying myself:) Although you start out punching, you do get guns later on in the game, I was fine punching or shooting. Although punching bosses did take some time. But if this game taught me anything, "Don't give up punching , because eventually your fist will make them explode" A Great Life LESSON!!

The backgrounds later on in the levels were nuts. Theres this one level where everything is red, and it doesn't give you a clear indication of where to jump. So I randomly start jumping off ledges and hope theres something I am not seeing. And sure enough, theres little things sticking out of the BG that you have to be a idiot savant to see. The entire collision mechanics of this game is like that. Theres no clear indication of what I can and cannot jump on. So it comes down to trial and error. Lots of error.

But I was enjoying myself while I played this , BECAUSE it was so bad it was good. Surprises everywhere.I get to a part where a pyramid blows up and I sit and wait for the next level. BUT NOPE!!..I had finished the game......I finished TOTAL RECALL in 7 min and a bit. WOW!!.I've never finished a game that fast before. I wonder how much this game cost when it first came out? Well what ever it was, divide it by 7 and thats how much you paid per minute of game play. I think we all will be pleasantly surprised.

Did this game follow the movie. Well lets do some minor comparisons of movie to game.

1) Remember when Arnold was pulled into alleys by midgets in purples suits. I've seemed to have missed that.



2)And the fantastic battle where wieners where poking out of holes and slapping Arnie in the face and knees while he battles swat guys.I think thats a different game that somehow made its way into this title.


3)When he had to shoot a Drill machine till it exploded....GOOO ARNIE!!


4)I remember the part in the movie where Arnie had to fight off stray cats and dogs. Remember?!?.. it was right between the part where he pulled the tracker ball outta his nose and the end of the movie.Anyway, if you don't, they really captured that sequence really good in this game.














Of course there are little talking sequences that basically follow the movie to a T. Pretty standard for the time and movie based games. Although I remember I really liked playing parts from movies in games when I was a kid. Although its better when the game is better, but I do recall enjoying that sorta thing. A guy at work who sits across from me "Jaison", told me that he owned this game when he was a kid. His dad brought it back for him from Mexico. This game would be even MORE F'N AWESOME if the entire thing was in Mexican and Arnie wore a sombrero and instead of punching he threw chickens and threaten to sell your sister for a peso. I would give that game a 10 outta 10.

Sadly I can only give this game 3/10. I had fun with this game, even all 7 mins of them. But I had fun for the wrong reasons.