Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Kinect on the Home Shopping Network

This video is Gold, it is pure genius and I would love to do a audio commentary to go along with it, but alas I don't have the gear to do that. So here is a scripted OH My god, what the hell are you flapping your gums about write up. To be fair, I know the lady as no idea what she talking about but also to be fair - If you are going to try and peddle me your snake juice you damn well better know what you are selling.

I will refer to her as Dingbat, if you think its unfair to call her a Dingbat because she doesn't know all the details. THEN ITS HER JOB TO FIND OUT ALL THE DETAILS AND BE A WELL INFORMED CONSUMER!!! GAWD!

1)She went to facebook and told all her family and friends about a product she knows nothing about. Dingbat, "Hey guys, buy this ass cream, it will make your ass look 20 years younger. What's that? Of course we tested it out....on rats and donkeys!"

2)Dingbat,"If you haven't heard of this, gamers KNOW all about it"
That's right Ms Dingbat, we have heard all about it. That's why we aren't paying $429.95 for it. That's why we won't be lining up outside freezing our assses of trying to get one. SMART gamers will wait for the reviews to come in and if the news is great then maybe you will see some of us getting it.

3) Dingbat,"Its not available to anyone" That is also correct Ms Dingbat, not even the reviewers have copies to test to help the consumer make a competent decision on whether they want to invest in a well crafted piece of tech or the next doorstop.

4)Dingbat," People are going to line up to get this thing on Nov 4th"
Correction,Uninformed naive ignorant commercially seduced Wii Sport Owners will line up to get this thing.

5)Dingbat,"You can Access your facebook and Netflix"
Facebook you say?? Yup, expect alot of confused people calling Xbox live support wondering why they can't access facebook or Netflix after their 1 month free trial expires. Infact I expect calls from people trying to set up their 1 month free trial to begin with, let alone continue it while not realizing it cost money.

6)Dingbat,"OMG, Look Out Corey" Corey doesn't have a controller, the madness that is happening in front of her is too much for her to comprehend.

7)Dingbat,"One person on the Rafter"????WTF is a RAFTER!!??Is that like a boatER or carER?

8)Dingbat,"Look at my hands up!! Waaavvee!!WOOOOooooooo"
Good lord do i have to watch the whole thing?

9)At this point Dingbat is playing and another guy jumps back into screen with her to join in on her game. But nothing happens, his avatar doesn't appear, but he continues to jump and wave like a moron. Great showing of new tech guys, really selling me here!

10) Dingbat,"Age 80 can get involed" Jump grandma, God Dammit, I said JUMP!! Now knife that guy in the back and now grenade those mofo's overthere, rrraaaaggggghhhhh

11)Dingbat,"Xbox is beyond games aswell" Really Dumbass?! We knew that on Launch day. Its only Dumbasses like yourself that don't know that gaming consoles are used for more than just games.

12)If she keeps saying,"Its going to be the most sought after anticipated game" (with 500 million in advertising behind it) makes its true. There isn't hamsters in my pants, there isn't hamsters in my pants.

13)Dingbat,"Im buying it myself today" Proving you are a complete ill informed Moron!!

14)Dingbat,"You have to understand the world of Xbox" Please do enlighten me, me not know where tooth is, me chew with eyelids and poop from me nostril...

15)Dingbat,"You get 1 month Gold membership" Oh the phonecalls to Xbox live support is going to busy this holiday season.

16)Dingbat,"All you have to do is talk to it and it will do what you want. You say "Xbox Kinect-Netflix"" AAAAANNNNNNGGG, wrong, all you have to say is Xbox. Followed by,"WORK DAMNIT...I SAID WORK!!!!"

17)Dingbat,"If you are confused by all those buttons on a controller, you can throw it away" Oh thank you o wise one. My fingers were getting tired from all those presses of A and B. After Dance Part I will play some Halo...oh wait. I threw my controller away....BUT YOU SAID IT WAS OK!!!"

18)Dingbat,"Here is Barb, she is a 55 year old woman" Well then, may I call you Barb or Barbera? Do you think that Kinect will give Halo players a better advantage against players using the standard controller while playing online?"

19)Dingbat,"We have a Holiday extended return policy" This should be interesting.

20)Dingbat,"Its actually tracking my body with infrared technology used by the military" So what!!, my frying pan uses the same heat resistant technology that NASA uses.

21)Dingbat,"Welcome to the future - TODAY!!!"
Is this over yet!!?

22)Dingbat,"Its all over the news already"
Really, really?? Are they talking about how Microsoft is pushing for one of the most expensive marketing campaigns in video game history and how this one product they are promoting they are refusing to give game reviewers copy's to test so they can put their 2 cents in AND how they send out letters from their lawyers to game sites that even make fun(parody) their product to remove all material pertaining to the Kinect? Any of that ringing a bell there for ya darlin?

23)Dingbat,"I"m the only host that is selling it" . That's because you are an idiot, I keep telling you, but ur not listening.

24) Dingbat," It comes with a controller, but you don't need it" Any gamer knows YOU DO TOO NEED IT YOU STUPID DIT!! Unless you are going to play nothing but Kinect games, then please feel free to send me all those controllers your going to throw away.

25)Dingbat,"You get a Gamefly membership, where you can download games right to your system" This is where a guy cuts her off and says,"They will deliver games to your mail"
Dingbat is an idiot, this Marlena, Marlane, Marbles. I only hope I can play COD Modern Warfare in heels someday.

26)Dingbat,"It has the fastest, wireless - the fastest wireless....built in" Who told you this, was it the same guy who said to throw your controller away?

27)Then it is like she forgot what shes been looking at this whole time. Dingbat,"Notice when Chris jumps, his avatar jumps?!" Is your brain even in your skull right now?

28)Sold out, 1200 units. The number of people like Dingbat.

Now, I'm not shitting on Xbox Kinect here, so don't go ranting and raving about that. This is totally the morons at the HSN and Microsoft. They want to sell me a piece of hardware and push it down my throat with nothing more than pictures of Kinect on my box of Wheaties and telling me its gonna be HOT, then you sir deserve a swift kick to the gonads. Man up and give the piece of hardware to tester and let the real gamers tell it like it is.

I personally hope I am wrong and it is the best thing since sliced bread, but the evidence just doesn't add up.


Jay MacEachern said...

Yeah the guy should have jumped in as well to say that only 5 regions will have voice support at launch and will be region locked. So if you are in any of the countries not on the list, tough luck till spring next year at the earliest.

I hope that it doesn't tank as well, however giving it only to people without game knowledge to me speaks value on the quality of the product. If it really was that great everyone would be getting it in advance.