Wednesday, August 4, 2010

X-men - NES

This game came out before I got into comics. So when I first saw this game I had no idea who the X-men were. All I knew was that it had cool looking characters on the cover and they seemed to trying to do something has a team, perhaps a X-treme Team? I honestly don't remember what I thought.

This was one of those games that I didn't own, but rented. It was also one of those games that after playing the first time, had no idea what was going on, called it stupid and brought it back. Only to rent it again a few weeks later thinking perhaps it wasn't that bad to begin with............Nope, I was right the first time.

So lets look at this game through the eyes of a 80's kid playing some unknown X-men for the first time.Okay, I have 6 X-men to choose from, but one is a lady, or some man in drag. Perhaps it should be called X-men and woman or X-people. I'm confused, what are X-men?

Oh look, there are descriptions of the characters, that helps. At least it tells me what they(X-men) kind of do.

They all get a skill description, so its kinda like Final Fantasy. So I guess I know something about what you are talking about. Power, easy enough. Endurance, that how well they abosorb damage: I'm with you game. Speed, oh yes, got to have speedy characters. And Willpower......?? lost me, well 3 outta 4 ain't bad. Who needs will power unless there is a part in the game where they are tempted to do drugs or have sex with high class hookers?

Well lets see who we have here.
Cyclops- he can project beams of ruby colored concussive force from his eyes after exposure to sunlight. Ahhh, So this is why mom told me not to stare at the sun!!!

Nightcrawler-Worms....One worm with worm powers. Able to eat mounds of dirt,No? He can teleport through matter and over distance while carrying limited mass and he is a Olympic -class acrobat. So he will be the guy who carries stuff around for the rest of the X-team like a worm? I'm confused does he have anything to do with worms?

Wolverine -Like that animal I saw on Wild Kingdom. Quick healing through cell regeneration, adamantium skeleton and claws. What the heck is adamantium, is that like Plutonium? Is is radioactive? Super acute sense of smell. So he can smell stuff better than I can. Not the best use of power for a NES game, but sure. Unleash SMELL POWER!!

Iceman - Ahh, I think I know what this guy does. Projects intense coldness from body. Forms atmospheric moisture into objects at will. Ummm, so he can make objects, any kind of objects from using his coldness? What if I get too close to him, will I freeze? Can I melt him like Frosty the snowman?
Colossus - OOOhh, look at his power. Its the highest yet, this guy is gonna be good. But he lacks of Willpower, but who cares. Just has long has there is no sexual favors being exchanged were good. Converts body into organic steel-like substance with superhuman strength and resistance to injury. Well then, I don't need to see anymore, I will be choosing this guy. Hes the strongest and can't get hurt.SOLD!!

Storm - Ahh, a well rounded character. Psionic control of all weather forces. What the hell is psionic?(At this point I am pronouncing the "P") Can beam lighting from hands or head. The head??she can shoot lighting from her head? no eyes like the other guy? The head?!Whatever. Can fly on air currents. So shes really lite?

Well that's a great bunch of characters, lets see them in action. So I choose Colossus because he is the strongest and can't get hurt and Storm because I want to see Lighting shoot from her head.

Then the game starts up and you choose from 5 levels. No story?...just pick what ever world you want to start at? That's kinda lame. What is the story here people?

Well after the first play through, I have determined that they lied, this Colossus guy does get injured and seeing lighting shoot from someones head was about has exciting has peeling a banana ( I have a banana at my desk while I write this, this is all you get people)

They both suck, I then choose the rest of the team. What I determine is that all the characters that punch suck!! The only ones that re remotely good are the ones that shoot things from their heads, but even then the enemies just keep re spawning, so it doesn't help to stand your ground and fight. The Worm mutant that can move through walls while carrying a certain amount of weight is probable the best character. He just runs away from everything.

This game blows, after I had chosen all the characters and tried each level once, there was nothing else to do. It was stupid, pointless and the end screen reads.

Congratulations!!! You have saved the world from Magneto and his evil mutants. Humanity is Safe...for Now.
Who's Magneto? What is a Magneto, those were mutants that I was fighting? That big centipede thing was a mutant? This game makes no sense to me. That's pretty much my child hood experience playing this game. But even after knowing who the x-men were and the story arc, it still didn't make this game any better. It was truly a turd of its time.