Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Sonic the Hedgehog - PS3

Holy sweet mother of fuck nuts!. I've been itchin to write this piece of shit up every since I first played the first 10-15 min of it. But like I say to myself, I don't start a new game until I finish the one that I am currently doing. And its not too often that I don't finish a game. I think the count is maybe 2. Well, I don't know if this is the worst game of all time, but man does it ever rank up there with them. Top 10 Worst for sure, Top 5 Worst maybe and definitely the worst game in the PS3 library.

I've been complaining about this game to anyone who even brings up games to me lately, for that I am sorry. But take a stab at this and you will understand why.

Well, lets take a page from sonic and I will write this section of the review like the load times of the game....So there's the blue hedgehog....loading....loading...loading......loading.............loading.........laoding.....
and he like the get rings...loadiing..........loading.........loading.........loading..........laoding...........he also has friends.........loading.........loading....fucking loading..fucklin laslaoid...ashsdfd.

Who played tested this crap...old people who have nothing else better to do then wait. For people who don't know, 10 sec is pretty long for a load time. Well try 20- 25 sec. For example, there are mini games throughout the level. You go talk to a guy to start a mini game. He ask you if you like to play?, you say goes to a load screen.........then it cuts back to you and the guy again..and he says"Are you ready sonic and sonic says yes....loadtime...........another 15-20 sec. Then it drops you in the mini game. Where most time you are given a short amount of time, lets say 30 sec to get all the rings. The mini game goes to load cuts back to you and the guy, the guy says, good job or too bad, then another load time......then it takes us back to the main game. There are levels so short or if you arn't ready for them, you wait through all the fucking load times, then get dropped in the level where sonic hits the ground running and if you arn't ready, he runs off the side of the cliff. Then it cuts back to load times.

But the best, is a challenge called Artimis challenge, where its called challenge of the mind. And again, you go through the first 2 load times to get into the mini game, once there, there are stack of boxes and you have to guess how many boxes are there. You count then go to the side and talk to the guy, he says, "do you know how many boxes are there?" and you answer"yes" it then goes to another load screen. after that it takes you to a line up of boxes with numbers on them. You run to the box with the corrent number on it and it say"is this the number you choose" and you say"yes" it then goes to a load screen. It then comes back to the guy and he says" That correct, are you ready for the next ?" and I say,"yes" load time. It then repeats this process..over and over Then I fucked up and selected the wrong number and it ask, "would you like to try the challenge again"..FUCK NO!!.. screw you !! Could it have been too hard just to have all this in one screen.Why load back and fourth. A game that literally takes 5-10 sec to play, has a load time of 30-45 sec. That fucking crazy. How long is this game, its 15 hrs long, 8 hrs of game play and 7 hrs of load times.Go load your balls!!

Well, now that's outta my system, on to the rest of this crap. The controls, there bad. How bad, shitty bad.bad bad.Insane bad.Doesn't make any sense bad. There are times in the game where sonic is on a set path and he is being controlled by the computer while he spins around goes through hoops, and you can't control him, then there's the same set of circumstances and you go flying of the side of the cliff, because I didn't realize that ,"Oh, I was in control of him this was I suppose to know, and he so fucking touchy, that the slightest tap left or right makes him hurl himself of the side of a ramp almost has if that what your suppose to do....yaaaaah, I did it, I made Sonic end his life, ..I'm level.

Then there's the camera, that you constantly fight throughout the entire game. IF anyone ask, who is the bad guy in the game?..nooo its not Dr Eggman, its the camera. the Object of the game is to make the camera show where you want to go and then go there. But the camera will show you random areas that doesn't make sense, like the side of a building when you want to see whats in front of you. And because the camera plays such a pivot role in the game, they link the controls to the camera to sonic, so what was once up is now down, depending on where you put the camera. ...really, is that even ..doesn't even matter...fuck you!

The best example of this, is a level where you are running away from a fire tornado, so the tornado is behind you and its a frantic dash to get away, with the camera over your head in a 3rd person perspective. With the tornado throwing cars in front you and I have to dodge where they land and the likes. But Then half way through, the camera does a 180 on me, so the first time this happens, left is now right and I go running off the side of the road, ...dead! ..The other thing about this, is now I can't see where I am running, I can see the big tornado behind me and its throwing cars infront of me, but I can't dodge them, because I can't see them, so smack..I get hit and die.....What can I do besides look at the tv and be in awwww.

Then there's this move where you see a line of rings and you hit square and it zooms you across the line of rings , like a train on a railway track. Its pretty useful. But then later on in the game, the game gives you a move where once you hit square, it makes you bounce, like a ball straight down, you hit the ground and bounce back higher. Now this too seems helpful. If there are no ring trails around, I bounce, i fI hit the same button infront of a ring trail , I shoot along the trail. What happens is the later levels, I am on a rope, like a tightrope walker, and I can jump up and down on the rope with the jump button and it takes you higher. Once I reach a certain height there's a line of rings infront of me, where I have to hit square to zip across the ring trail. BUT....I don't have ground underneath me, so unless I am lined up perfectly with the ring trail...and I hit square..all I do is shoot straight down to my death has a little blue ball.( blink blink) I lost 25 lives at this one spot trying to zip across to line shit up. Couple that with all the load times it takes to go from level to level , because once you die, you restart from the start of the level. Its fucking stupid.

Which brings me to the next shitball. You have 5 lives, and yes you can get more, but if you start a level and don't finish it using those 5 lives, you have to start all over from the start, not at save point, not a marker ,All over. And if it weren't for the frustration of fighting the camera and the stupid load times and losing all but 1 man at the ring trail, starting over might not a problem. Why would they do that?

Next point, the depth perception in this game is none existent. Which would fix the stupid zip ring trail, but instead, I find myself jumping of ledges, falling of runways, missing the landing, turning and getting stuck between the ground and nothing else. Yes, I get stuck on the ground , the wall, the anything. Anything in this game can make sonic halt in his tracks, because his foot is caught on a pebble in the road.

Then there's the crappy/creepy story line. Where sonic rescues this girl and immediately they fall in love. That's right, they fall in love, but there is a point in the game, where one of the challenges, you have to choose your true love, the girl, or the female hedgehog. You know what....I choose the female hedgehog, it was just too damn creepy to see cut scenes with sonic and the girl sitting on the grass talking about stupid shit, that I had to try and RIGHT something in this fucked up game. Hes not even wearing pants for cryin out loud.

Now, that's about it, I could try and tell some good stuff. Let me see, you can unlock other characters and play has them. That's it. There's finish the game without losing your rings, find all the silver coins. But the game is just so damn awefull that I wouldn't even attempt it.

So this brings us to the end. I didn't finish the game. I got to 81% complete, and died 40-50 times on stupid stuff that one shouldn't die on, the ring trail, jumping to my death because I can't see the distance of platforms. Coupled with the horrible wait times to get back into it all again and again. I said fuck you sonic, and I took the game out and put it in its case. I don't feel bad about not finishing this, I feel good about not finishing it. I plan on bringing the game back to the store and see if I can trade it. Maybe I could get something awesome like Barbies Pony Surprise.

IT truly is one of the worst games that I remember playing in a long while. I don't know who they got to play test this game, but it must have been monkeys. Who built this piece of shit, they should hang their head in shame. Oh my god, what a horrible piece of entertainment. Run fast, run very fast if anyone ever recommends playing this game, but be sure to give them a swift kick to the balls before you run away so that person doesn't reproduce.


Ain't it great the majority of the shots are of the camera facing the wrong way. It really makes the game interesting when I can't see where I am going.